STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
I am on top of Jeff right now telling him to be quiet as we make love.
He is texting at the same time.
I am not as comfortable as I anticipated.
I'm 80 years old.
You bitch.
Pilates tonight.
That's all you do.
What?
Water break.
Water broke.
Moooooooooo
Schhme?
What the fuck was that?
Bark.
Writing in my livejournal.
Ringo Starr of the Beatles.
R-I-N-G-O.
Wait.
That's not right.
R-I-N-G-O.
The ones that entertain and observe.
I make it hot.
You should be in a playpen.
Put you in your playpen.
Oh God.
Good brownies.
Fuck.
Elbow went to dinner.
I'm going to touch your boob accidentally. |
Okay, so, I'm a sap...but Merry Christmas!
We had a two hour delay. Woo.
I'm rethinking a little bit my complete and utter distaste for the new Sweeney Todd because it's not on stage and it doesn't have Len Cariou or Angela Lansbury. But...it's a movie. Maybe I should just treat it as a movie, and then I'll like it. Shrug.Current Mood:  tired Current Music: NPR |
I finished all seven of my college applications.
Where's the immense relief, the rejoicing, the relaxing?
I just feel petrified.
What if I did something wrong?
What if I don't get into ANY colleges because I made some fatal error in my applications?
What if I don't get into ANY colleges?
Where's the immense relief, the rejoicing, the relaxing?
I just feel helpless.
There is nothing I can do now.
Nothing but wait.
Maybe...maybe the relief will kick in tomorrow?Current Mood:  terrified |
9:30AM - I woke up, very reluctantly, for no reason other than my guilt for sleeping in.
10:15AM - I went back to sleep on the couch, after realizing that I couldn't keep my eyes open.
11:30AM - Waking up, I preceded to waste a half an hour of my life doing God knows what.
12:00PM - I took a shower, got dressed and ready to go out.
1:00PM - Kal Penn came to the Democrats' office. I went, even though I have never seen anything he's been in, because I love Obama. And I wanted to see someone who has met Hugh Laurie. :) I was impressed by his little speech, and how very normal he was. I was forced into taking a picture of him, very awkwardly, and chatted a little bit about Barack Obama.
3:00PM - I drove home and immediately changed back into my PJs.
3;30PM - Repressing my urge to kick my computer in the face, I resigned myself to the fact that the last episode of the seventh season of Friends (Monica and Chandler's wedding!) would NOT play on my computer. I consoled myself with Netflix "Watch Now!" feature (because our internet is faster now!) and saw some of The Office and Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And some other time wasting activities.
5:00PM - In order to avoid cleaning, I hid myself in my room with The Funny Times. I fell asleep for a little bit.
5:45PM - My mother entered my room, and I suddenly felt the urge to discuss things with her. We talked about me for a long time. I feel bad for monopolizing the conversation with my selfish obsession with...me, but she's my mother. It's her job, right?
7:00PM - Mom and Dad leave for a Christmas party, and I begin watching "It Happened One Night" with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert. I must make a note that when I am feeling down, I simply need to watch 1930s movies. I also drew a portrait of Claudette Colbert that I'm somewhat pleased with, although tomorrow I'll probably hate it. Oh, and then I watched ANOTHER Law and Order: CI because my parents weren't home yet.
11:42PM - Here I am. My Saturday is completely done, but I'm trying not to freak out about it. My brother's coming down tomorrow, so that'll make my Sunday a little less depressing. I do have homework and college applications to do, so that's a bit sad. But...THERE ARE ONLY NINE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! OMG! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
11:43PM - I begin to freak out about Christmas. I haven't gotten all my presents, and I also have to have all my college applications sent in by/on Friday. That doesn't seem real.
11:44PM - My parents arrive home, so I pretend to be doing something productive. Bye!Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Heart of Mine - Peter Salett |
4.5 hours at school.
1 hour watching Lynley.
.5 hour practicing Spanish vocab/talking to Harpo.
2 hours napping.
2.5 hours at the Obama office.
2 hours doing easy homework and obsessively checking facebook.
Add those all together, and it equals a great day.Current Mood:  accomplished Current Music: Jingle Bells - Bing Crosby |
| » Self-therapy |
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This is cut for a reason: it's really boring and self-involved.
( Random, unimportant complaint )
Dec. 11th, 2007 @ 05:14 pm
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| » Who knew? |
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Did you know that it is snowing?
Did you know that there is no school today?
Did you know that all my other obligations for tonight have been canceled?
Did you know that I've been working for two days and still have oodles to do?
Did you know that I am completely devoid of motivation?
Did you know that Lynley is solving a murder case RIGHT NOW?
I know all of those things. I also know that Milo is yipping and twitching in his sleep, and it is damned adorable. He must be dreaming of chasing rabbits. I also know that my mum's biscuits are amazing, and I want to eat all of them. I also know that if I don't motivate myself to do something today, I'm going to hate myself later. Finally, I know that I am happy because it is snowing beautifully, and I am warm inside with an entire day to do things.
I like that knowledge.
Dec. 11th, 2007 @ 11:57 am
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| » *sniff* |
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So...I'm eating curry. That's good. If you ever have nasal congestion, I recommend spicy curry.
I'm staying home tomorrow from school. And no, I'm not sick. No, I'm not going on a college visit; no, a relative did not die; no, I'm not going on a field trip; no, there is no good justification for it. I just spent all of my Friday night dinking around, all of my Saturday sleeping and all of my Sunday filling out college applications (I actually got a few of them done!) I didn't do any homework, even though I have boatloads of it. So, I'm staying home tomorrow simply so that I can sleep in a bit, get up, do more college applications, do my homework and have an enjoyable, not-at-school day. I seriously doubt I'll get half of the stuff I want to/need to get done, but that's the way of things.
So...I'm feeling guilty. That's not good.
Dec. 9th, 2007 @ 11:23 pm
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| » "She was so down, look at her now..." |
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"I had my rock, I had my roll, but I couldn't find the spark..."
It's always interesting when a song you've never really listened to pops up on your iTunes and says what you are feeling. Spoooooky. Ah well. It has reassured me that:
"Everyone knows, give it some time, the clouds will clear the sky..."
I slept a lot today, mostly to avoid thinking about college applications and all of the homework I have to do. When I did think about my college applications, I got a horrible stomachache. I just need to buck up and do it, but it's hard to write when you're aware that every single thing you put down will be highly evaluated. I hardly have the confidence to write my name.
Hey, if anyone would be interested in reading one of my college essays by some wild chance, here it is. Don't worry -- I'm cutting it.
( Influential Person )
In other news, I'm happy that all these people are dating and what not, but man! Am I the only person who doesn't have a boyfriend for the lonely, depressing holidays? It's funny, however, because I don't even want a boyfriend. I've tried that. A few times. And it mostly just ended in disaster, or at least, it just ended. I mostly just want this:
When we finally kiss goodnight,
How I hate going out in the storm,
But if you really hold me tight,
All the home I'll be warm!
Stupid Christmas songs. I thought they were supposed to be happy. More like mocking and in-your-face. Sorry. I'm really not that bent out of shape about it tonight, but I was before. "Let It Snow" really is a bitch. I'm just going to stick with my lame dance music. Although sometimes my lame moves make me a little depressed as well. :) I'm going to go now and read about Nelson's Trafalgar. (Why does that sound dirty?) I randomly picked this book off the shelf because it's very pretty and new looking, and I think it'll be fun to read. More fun that sitting in my blanket-tent on the couch and trying to tell myself over and over that there is "nothing outside of this, nothing outside of this..."
Dec. 8th, 2007 @ 08:59 pm
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| » "I think you might be going mad." |
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Taco Johns + Crappy HyVee White Cake with Crisco/Sugar Frosting = Happy, but Sick Feeling.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
You know what's a bitch?
"What?"
I can never be a famous BBC actress! One who appears on the cool Mystery! specials and guest stars on all the great comedy shows and does all those Jane Austen mini-series.
All because I'm not British. Dammit!
"Yes, because that is the only obstacle to your being in BBC programs."
Shh...
"Oh, this is going to be one of THOSE entries."
Yes, it is in fact.
Actually, no, it won't be. I'm done now. Because I need my sleep so that I can get up tomorrow and be productive! I'm so excited to be productive.
"Excited?"
Yes. I am simply excited now, however, because I don't have to be productive right now. Tomorrow I shall take forever to get anything done and hate doing it.
Dec. 7th, 2007 @ 11:31 pm
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| » "God bless us, everyone." |
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Christmas is officially coming; my dad just went out to get our tree. I am drinking hot chocolate, and the ice on the street is shining a blinding white through my window. I have that melancholy nostalgia following me around. The most inane Christmas songs pop into my head and stay there for days (currently it's "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat..."). I have to go teach my little kids today, which really is no fun for me anymore, and then I'm taking coats for the Rotary Christmas party, but other than that, I'm basically free tonight. I did intense amounts of homework last night, so tonight's not looking so bad.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm in a good mood right now. I think I'm going to put on some This American Life and take a little nap on the couch, and then figure out what useful knowledge I can impart to my eager, incredibly hyper students. Thanks for tuning in!
Dec. 4th, 2007 @ 12:45 pm
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| » Mmm...nap... |
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I just had a much needed nap.
It was loverly. I woke up to Harpo's sleeping face next to mine on the pillow, and his tiny soft paw tucked under my cheek. Why would one want any other animal but a cat?
Unfortunately, I must now write a 2-4 page "synthesis essay" (aka DBQ) over democracy.
And then it's off to school to get ready for the play.
Nov. 30th, 2007 @ 02:03 pm
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| » 3 = Symbolism = Magic |
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1. I only got four hours of sleep last night. Boohoo. (Boohoo quite accurately describes the situation, as I get incredibly emotional when I'm tired. We were watching Avalon today in Senior English, and I cried about six times. Like...when the little boy looked sad, or when a bunch of people came to their store to buy stuff. It was ridiculous).
2. CHANDLER IS GOING TO ASK MONICA TO MARRY HIM! DESPITE HIS FEAR OF COMMITMENT! THIS IS HUGE! EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! (I also started crying when I found out). (Can you find something out that you already knew?)
3. I have to go to play practice in...oh crap, now!
Nov. 29th, 2007 @ 03:26 pm
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| » must...keep...eyelids...open... |
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i am so tired i cannot capitalize.
malory dreasler. i would just like you to know that i have taken the makeup torch from you. i taught myself how to do old age makeup; i hardly had enough time to do my own makeup because i was doing everyone else's; i spent twenty minutes cleaning up the makeup room after rehearsal today; i bitched people out for leaving crap on the counters and for LEAVING THEIR SPONGES OUT! i hope that i can do you justice. big shoes to fill, i assure you.
play practice went better tonight, but it's still not consistent. i'm not firm in the knowledge that we won't screw up royally opening night, but i am a lot less freaked out now. i actually left play practice in a semi-good mood. gasp.
however, i am now exhausted, greasy, and have a complicated spanish test tomorrow for which i still need to study. i am going to go the bathroom, wash my face, grab a snack and sit for a bit. then i will be ready to study, study, study. my ass off. and remind me that tomorrow i need to write a list of makeup steps since hardly anyone gets it.
mal - do men need to wear blush? that's my only question.
Nov. 28th, 2007 @ 10:42 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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So...I deleted the last post out of shame, but thank you all for your supportive comments. We shall just pretend like that post didn't happen last night.
I am incredibly exhausted. For some reason, I am incapable of sleeping and have gotten only about nine hours of sleep the past two days. I shall use that as an excuse for my heightened emotional state.
I don't even think I'm going to pretend to do my homework. I'm going to take my last vicadin and try to sleep.
Nov. 27th, 2007 @ 10:21 pm
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| » *It sucks to be me, it sucks to be me!* |
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I am going to ignore the fact that I have begun posting alarming amounts in my lj. Also the fact that my to do list really isn't much interest to anyone.
TO DO:
* practice viola
* read at least five pages of Chapter 17 for European History
* write an expository essay
* rough draft for daily routine Spanish project
* practice lines
what i'd like TO DO:
* watch Inspector Lynley be hott and British...and solve crimes
* listen to my Avenue Q soundtrack
* clean my room
* write the next great American novel
* color Disney princesses
* take a nap
* take a bubble bath with candles while listening to Michael Buble
Sigh. Reality is the suck.
Nov. 26th, 2007 @ 12:55 pm
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| » I'm learning so much about heroin... |
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I'm not quite sure why I'm watching the latter half of Trainspotting at 11PM at night. I decided that this movie wasn't really for me after the neglect of the little baby scene. I feel like I should watch a movie all the way through, however, before I judge it. It is proof that just because a movie has Ewan McGregor in it and other boys with cute accents does not mean I'll like it. That still doesn't explain why I'm watching it now, when I could be doing homework or sleeping...anything really. Most likely sleeping, since I'm incapable of doing anything productive with my time. I was feeling really depressed earlier today, but now I'm kind of resigned. I just had a minor freakout when a car rolled down the hill and stopped mysteriously outside of our house. It just sat there, with its lights on. I'm not sure why I'm so afraid of being murdered or robbed or raped. It's rather childish and illogical. I suppose watching crime as a form of entertainment kind of precipitates that fear. I'm just waiting for Mum to yell at me to go to bed. I think all my lj entries should have a point, but this one definitely doesn't. Ah well, no one has to read it. I think that's really all I had to say, however. I shall devote my full attention to my movie, and then it's off to bed for Claire.
Nov. 25th, 2007 @ 11:19 pm
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| » My Theory |
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Jazz is one of the only forms through which love can truly be communicated.
Just listen to Billy Holiday.
Except for don't, unless you want to have that painful ache in the pit of your stomach.
Hmm...I'm feeling odd.
Nov. 24th, 2007 @ 09:55 pm
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| » Happy Thanksgiving! |
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I am so good at creative chewing. I was able to consume an entire Thanksgiving meal without hurting my wisdom teeth. Well, that's not true, I did a little. But it was so worth it. Now it's getting late, and I've already taken about three naps today, so I'm not very tired. I'll have to find something to watch...
I'm not quite sure why I'm posting, but I did find out something really random. The boy, Sean, who I haven't really talked about in awhile...well, he doesn't have facebook anymore. I know that sounds lame, but it's really weird, because he didn't tell me and now I can't message him or call him (his number was on his page) and I'm just confused. I guess...I won't hang out with him this weekend? Which is probably for the best, since I still feel like I look like a chipmunk.
Tomorrow I am going to make a skirt for the play with my grandma and mother. I'm ridiculously excited for that - it just seems so Little Women-y that it makes me happy and secure feeling. Even though I don't really talk to them, I like having a bunch of family at my house. Although holidays do make me really miss Katie. I talked to her this morning, and we both cried. I don't know how I can survive a Christmas without her...or another Thanksgiving... But I guess I have to somehow. I miss her so much. I keep having dreams with her in them, except she's back from Morocco and totally unexcited to see me. All I want to do in my dreams is run up to her and hug her and never leave her side, and she's always like, "Hey, Claire..." really casually. It's happened several times randomly in my dreams. I think it's just one of my fears. That she doesn't miss me, and that she'll come back a completely different person, or that she's got this whole new life and we'll never catch up.
Nov. 22nd, 2007 @ 10:29 pm
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| » I am James Joyce. |
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It's far too late, and I'm tired, but I want to write an adorable, stream-of-consciousness livejournal post like Ellie! Mine are always weighed down by my obsessive planning and construction, but not tonight! I'm going to be cute and spontaneous and secretly insightful...
Crap, I'm already planning! That wasn't supposed to happen! I'm planning on not planning my livejournal post. This is just a paradox. My head hurts. By the way, I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow. I think it's somewhat sick that I'm looking forward to it a little. I'm going to have an entire day where I can't do anything, and I will have a valid excuse to sit around and sleep. Therefore, I cannot feel guilty for being a lazy-ass bum!
Also, Mrs. LaVille = Probably hates me, because Tyler Peschong decided to repeat really loudly and far too seriously the comment I made about Catholics being crazy. I was CLEARLY joking, and CLEARLY making a blanket statement, and now I'm the brunt of Catholic hate. They'll probably start burning crosses in my yard and stuff. Oh wait, that's the KKK, isn't it? Dang. That's a somewhat offensive mix-up. I can't stop doing it, apparently. I'm just an inadvertent Catholic mocker. I cannae help it! It's in my Quaker blood! Anyways, I pretty much obsessed about that all day. I felt like a big old jerk. I'm not that prejudiced, dammit! I was JOKING...and trying to piss off Tyler. But apparently Catholics don't have a sense of humor... DANGIT! I'm doing it again! What is with me today? Maybe I'm a Catholic hater.
But hey, EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST, SOMETIMES... (Pretend Catholicism is a race, and that segue will work. And it's really important that it works, because it leads perfectly into my rant and rave about Avenue Q!) I went to see Avenue Q on Sunday with Michelle, Annie, Katelyn and Alyssa, and it was fantastic. It was so hilarious and well done. I mean, obviously. It's the Civic Center. But I kind of hate going to see professional theatre, especially musical theatre. It's like, "Hey, watch all these people being amazing at doing this one thing that you adore, but that you'll probably never be able to do." It's like...being a mermaid and going to a park where everyone is walking. You're just sitting there, somehow out of water and in a park, flipping your fin, and all these walking people are inadvertently like, "Meh-heh, we have legs. Watch us walk all...two-legged like." And you're like, "Dang, yo, I'll never be a part of that world." And then you go flipping back to your underwater castle, and you are really full of energy and passion and excitement just because you got to, in some way, experience the world of the two-legged people. And then after about a day in your underwater castle, you realize, "Hey...I've just been on a vicarious high. I can never be two-legged. I will never succeed. All those two-legged people are just better than me. It's the only thing I'll ever want, and I will never have it." And then you probably go to a sunken shipwreck and attempt to get eaten by a shark because your life is too miserable and unfulfilled.
Okay...so, I think I carried analogy a little too far. But you get my point, right? Well, that's the depression I've felt. It kicked in this morning, after all of Sunday being amazing and bouncy and full of life and passion and opportunity. And now that I've embarrassed myself with my mermaid metaphor, I think I'm going to sign off. I could keep rambling, believe you me, but it's just making me sad again. I have this achey, sour feeling in my stomach, and my heart feels like it's pressing up against my ribcage.
Nov. 19th, 2007 @ 11:36 pm
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